Transgenerational Response to Trauma

By Mitch Carmody

We are all an example of epigenetic collaberation at a molecular level, a quantum level, a physical level, and spiritual level. We heal , we fend, we offend, we defend, we depend, we live and we end. We stave off grief and loss as much as a possible knowing it is impossible.  

I was born in 1955, the last child of 7 children that my mother gave birth to. I did not come alone but was accompanied by my fraternal twin sister Sandy. Ten years prior my parents had their first born, my oldest sister Jeanne, who had blessed their new lives together as their first child. My parents then tried for a boychild,  and John was born, but he died soon after birth  from cord complications during delivery. Moving forward, two years later my sister Sue was born, they now had two girls, one to wash and one to wipe the dishes as my grandma used to say.

A few years later again, trying for a boy my brother David was born but was severely physically/mentally handicapped and was institutionalized for life. Soon my parents gave birth to their 5^th child, Nancy, another girl, healthy as a horse but my father still wanted a boy to carry on the family name.

Within a few years my father’s  wish was granted, and I was born, a boychild, but  with a bonus twin sister !  Finally, a viable healthy boy was born!  I was the replacement child for two lost brothers, my father finally had the son that he wanted. My mom was still  grieving in silence for the loss of her two sons that society had secreted away to whispers of untimely fate.

I was born into grief and celebrity status simultaneously. I was the son so longed for and a twin to boot. I only knew a mother that was a bereaved mom from the get-go. I was nurtured in utero during her grief journey and was epigenetically imbued with DNA markers that transgenerational normalize the grief response on a cellular level. This prepares the next generation for more robust resilience with a multi-generational generated response that is built into the DNA from genetically assimilated grief. This allows access to those tools of survival autonomically to help protect and propagate the species; an algorithm by design from bacteria to bouncing baby we are epigenetically programmed to survive and to thrive generation to generation.

My terminally bereaved mother prepared me for death with her life not her words. Grief was not mentioned in polite society; my father died when I was 15 years old, I was prepared socially and epigenetically to move on, it’s in my genes.

When my twin sister died, I was 29, I was prepared socially and epigenetically to move on, it’s in my genes. 

When my 9-year-old son died I was age 32, I was prepared socially and epigenetically to move on, it’s in my genes.  But I could not.

My world stopped; God pressed the pause button  on my heart; a metronome set in a vacuum each beat of my heart mocked my knowledge, my experience, and my DNA, I could not move on, I could not move. It took me years to discover how and why I survived the death of my son.  What I could not do consciously my genetics did unconsciously, I was literally on autopilot for many years. Eventually I awakened to the fact that I was genetically wired to survive loss and  created a grief processing model called Proactive Grieving ®.

 A decade into the new century I was blessed with two grandchildren from my surviving daughter Meagan. In grief presentations I often glibly stated that I was doing a social experiment with my grandchildren who have been brought up around the philosophy that grief is simply a part of life. Grief is to be coexisted with and not secreted away as an evil curse but woven as a strand of strength in our developing tapestry of fortitude and resilience.

Fast forward to January of 2024 and we find that my social experiment subjects are now teenagers and emerging from the pandemic years as models of proactive grieving influencers. They are both naturally sought out for their compassion and insight among their neighbors, friends and peers when dealing with tragedy and loss. I am in awe. If we cannot find a reason to be in awe once a day, we are not paying attention.

Nature verses Nurture ?

It is both, binary attraction is concrete and foundational.

Surviving is not an option; you are wired for it and without intervention will survive an egregious loss.

Thriving is however an option; Be proactive and nurture your nature, use the gifts generations have given you and you will find it is possible… it’s in your genes.

  “ Nosce te ipsum “

Mitch Carmody 12/30/23

For more information about ” Replacement Children” go to http://replacementchildforum.com/

This is the world’s quintessential resource that brings more awareness to the unique pathology surrounding the grief of children that long into their adulthood may feel the life long ramifications of losing a sibling they have never met and possibly were even named after or were (silently) expected to fill the shoes of. 

Elvis, Dali, Van Gogh, e.g . were all replacement children, all conceived and named to replace their dead sibling.